Sunday funnies
March 1, 2009 | Sunday funnies
The Bible, according to 3rd graders (I can just imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, while trying to keep a straight face.)
1) In the first book of the bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2) Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built, and Ark and the animals came on in pears.
3) Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire at night.
4) The Jews were a proud people. Throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5) Samson was a strong man, who was led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
6) Samson slew the Philistines with the Axe of the Apostles.
7) Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8) The Egyptians were all drowned in the desert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9) The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10) The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit to adultery.
11) Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12) The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13) David was a Hebrew King who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14) Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15) When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16) Jesus was born because May had an immaculate contraption.
17) When the three wise guys from the Eastside arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
18) St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19) Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20) It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21) The people who followed the lord were called the twelve decibels.
22) The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
23) One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was also a taxi man.
24) St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25) Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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