Sunday funnies

November 30, 2008 Sunday funnies

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? It all depends on the breed….

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven’t missed any, and made one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or, We don’t need no stinking light bulb.

12. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

14. Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: “How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”

All of which proves once again, that while dogs have masters cat have staff.

Six-pack Saturday

November 29, 2008 Real life

Six things I do when I’m not writing–

1) Think about new stories, trying to sort out which one deserves time. A pointless exercise because I usually go with the one I want to write the most. This isn’t as self-indulgent as it sounds. If I’m not dying to write the story then all the hard work of bringing it to life isn’t going to be worth it.

2) Read other people’s good stories. I read a lot. It’s one of my favorite things. I’m picky, opinionated, and wide-ranging in my readings. I utilize the library, and used bookstores. My autobuy list is small. Two or three new authors a month is the norm for me.

Living in the information age, I would have thought it would be simplicity itself to find one hundred and fifty worthy reads a year. Not so far. I’ve found no surefire method of pinpointing the books that will enchant me from the thousands of titles released each year.

3) Putter around the house. I’m not skilled at home repair. But, I enjoy learning things and occasionally I manage some simple task and feel inordinately proud of myself. Recently, I installed a new CD changer and it actually plays. Amazing.

4) Putter around the garden. Happily, gardening is an endless job. There are always things that need to be done and most of them I do myself. After years of learning, and doing, most garden tasks are satisfying in a journeyman kind of way. But, there’s always more to be discovered. And if I venture away from my own yard my ignorance returns with a humbling vengeance.

5) Venture out into the big world and see other people. In order to avoid hermit status, I do this at least once a week, sometimes twice– wild living.

6) Wander about in my own neighborhood. Daily walks are one of the benefits of having a dog. Katie and I go for a walk almost everyday. Once in awhile, the weather is really inclement and we give it a miss. In the rainy season, we frequently go twice because it’s not as much fun to play fetch and soccer when it’s cold and soggy outside. We get chilly and wet walking too, but at least we’re moving.

So what do you do for fun?

Fan Girl Friday

November 28, 2008 Fan Girl Friday, Real life

Christmas is coming and being a hopeless book addict, I like to plan my holiday reading.

A little something old, Dicken’s Christmas Carol fills this slot.

A little something new, Miss Read’s Christmas at Fairacre is waiting patiently.

A little romance, Heyer’s Regency Buck is the scheduled Christmas treat.

A little something borrowed, I’m leaning toward a Red Sage Secrets Volume for this choice.

A little something blue, Robin Rotham’s Big Temptation releases in December–just in time to fill the last spot in my holiday reading lineup.

Feel free to add your own recommendations.

Life in the secret garden

November 27, 2008 Life in the secret garden

Wintergreen (Gaultheria procumbens) is pictured in one of the fall container plantings. It’s one of those really cool little plants that needs to be seen up close to be appreciated. It likes cool summers, some shade, acid soil, and is generally fussy. I tucked a few in with purple winter pansies, and a bronze sedges. The left overs went in this pot where they’ll look festive all winter. In the summer. it’s back to a shady corner for the wintergreens.

PS Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

WIP Wednesday

November 26, 2008 WIP Wednesday, writing craft

By the time you read this, the latest story should be winging it’s way to the tasteful editor’s virtual inbox.  But, as I write to you, I’m still polishing it.  I have two chapters to go, before a formatting pass and a final spell and grammar check.  When those are complete, it’s down to crafting a cover letter and cleaning up the synopsis.

The story has been unusually clean–and that makes me nervous.  Am I missing something or is this one really smooth and well written? 

I’ll keep you posted….

Teaser Tuesday

November 25, 2008 Romance heroes, Teaser Tuesday

Here’s an excerpt from Dangerous Rescue, now available from New Concepts Publishing. I’m cheating slightly, because Sam is a secondary character in this story. But, I’m Sam-obsessed.

Sam stood, grinned agreeably, and then shook hands with the attractive couple from two doors down the beach before resuming his seat. He continued to play the dutiful, single son, making polite chitchat for another hour before making his excuses. He understood his mother’s strategy perfectly. Nevertheless, it had been effective. Melinda and Nick made a cute couple. He’d been uncomfortably aware of his status as the lone solo act in a paired-off world, as his mom had intended.

He was still thinking about it when he drove home an hour later. The problem was, he didn’t want to settle. He wanted what his parents had. He wanted the magic. In the meantime, he was still young and there were lots of playmates to enjoy before he made a permanent connection.

Speaking of which, he spotted a damsel in distress in his right front quadrant. Hard to tell about her coloring from this angle–but she had a great ass. The hood was up on her compact rental and she was stretched over the fender, examining the engine compartment, her upper-half hidden by the hood.

Sam didn’t know a lot about engines, but he could offer her a ride or the use of his cell phone and he was happy to lend emotional support. He liked to think he was the kind of guy who’d have stopped to help even if she’d been grandmotherly, but the cute butt and trim legs had caught his eye much faster than the raised hood.

Parking close behind her, he got out of his car and offered assistance. “Can I help?”

“Not unless you’re freakin’ magician,” she snapped and backed out from under the hood, blowing long brown bangs off her forehead with a frustrated whoosh of breath.

He grinned in appreciation because the top half matched her bottom and then some. “Sorry, ma’am I’m only a lowly passerby on the lonely highway of life.”

She laughed, wiped her greasy hand on a hankie, and then extended it to him. “Caroline Kennedy, and no, not that one. My grandmother was a big Jackie O fan, so my mom promised to name her first daughter Caroline.”

Pausing to eye him assessingly, she pushed the bangs away leaving a streak of dirt on her temple. Sam waited for her to make up her mind, doing his best to look harmless and friendly, which he was–basically.

“If you could give me a ride into Kingston, that would be so great,” she said appealingly. Her eyes widened and she touched her throat, leaving another dirty mark. He produced a clean handkerchief, and gently wiped her temple, her throat, and finally he cleaned her slender fingers. Moving slowly and touching only the soiled spots, he worked to keep her comfortable. But, at the same time, make her aware of him as a man. One, perhaps, not as entirely harmless as she’d first thought.

Nothing wrong with being a nice guy except, unless he pushed, women had a tendency to dismiss him as too young, too sweet, and not boyfriend material. A guy never got laid being too nice. He’d learned.

Now days, if he was interested then he stepped inside the woman’s comfort zone and let her take a second look at man who wasn’t too young or too nice or too harmless.

His interest level rose along with another part of his anatomy that responded favorable to the curvy Miss Not-That-Caroline-Kennedy. This close she smelled good and her skin was soft and moist. She sighed and leaned closer.

God, he loved women.

Giving her a slow grin, he made a counter offer. “I’d love to give you a ride to Kingston, but would you mind if we stopped by my place first?”

She blinked in hesitation.

To push the odds in his favor, he teased her. “You’re welcome to wait in the car if you’re uncomfortable entering my lair.”

“No, I mean that’s fine, I’d love to see your place. Do you live around here?”

“It’s right on our way,” he assured her, holding her eyes though he wanted to look elsewhere. He waited, knowing his patience would reap rewards. If it didn’t, that wasn’t a problem. There were always plenty of willing partners.

The abundance of lovely women in his life was the main reasons he resisted his mother’s hints. Exclusivity and commitment were for some time in his future when he found a truly special woman. He never doubted that would happen, but until it did–he saw no reason not to enjoy the variety on offer.

He held the car door for her, buckled her in, keeping his touches light and caring. Again, his restraint was rewarded as she sighed and moved nearer. Lingering, he caged her with his arms. “Do you need to call someone? You’re welcome to use my cell.”

“No–I mean–no thank you. I tried calling my girlfriend earlier but there was no answer. I’ll try again later.”

Her eyes drifted shut–her lips were less than inch from his. Sam stroked the side of her head, letting her silky hair tease his fingers. The pink tip of her tongue darted out to trace the outline of her smile. He followed the lascivious journey with his finger, and then she sucked it into her mouth.

When she’d finished, he framed her face and then pressed his lips to hers. She softened beneath the onslaught of his mouth, inviting him to deepen the kiss. Instead, he reluctantly pulled away, unwilling to start something he couldn’t finish.

“Hold tight to that idea, baby. We’re twenty minutes from my place,” he whispered while placing nibbling kisses up her neck and on the sweet spot behind her ear. She tasted so sweet–like a sun-ripened melon.

Five minutes from home, Caroline cried out. “Oh look, can we stop?”

“We’re almost to my place,” he said persuasively.

She coaxed. “It’s so pretty and I’m really thirsty.”

“As your wish is my command,” he said shrugging off his irritation. The bar had a nice view and a little more get-acquainted time would work in his favor. A drink or two never hurt either, he thought cynically.

“A glass of Merlot and whatever the lady wants,” he instructed the bartender then excused himself to wash his hands. When he returned his glass of wine waited along with a dish of plantain chips. Caroline sipped from a tall frosty glass.

As he sat, he pressed his leg against hers. She covered his knee with her hand, and then slid it up his inner thigh.

“Very nice,” she whispered appreciatively.

Music Monday

November 24, 2008 Music Monday

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2a8YnRTlYE]

The song is Brown Eyes by Destiny’s Child. Because I love a happily ever after….

Sunday funnies

November 23, 2008 Sunday funnies

A woman went to her priest and said, “Father, I have an embarrassing problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest asked.

The woman ducked her head. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”

“That’s obscene!” the priest said then he thought for a moment. “You know, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.”

“Thank you father that would be wonderful”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his birds were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she carefully placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered.”

Six-pack Saturday

November 22, 2008 Real life

Life is full of paradoxes here are six that drive me crazy–

1) I don’t know what I don’t know. Even when I realize I’m missing parts of the puzzle–it’s still impossible to figure out what they are.

This particular conundrum applies to everything. At the moment, it’s a replace or repair decision on the garbage disposal. And do I consult a plumber or an electrician? Before I call anyone I have to clean the under the kitchen sink cabinet….

2) People are both unique and similar. Their outsides are real different. Yet, I know their insides are all much the same. And their insides are what count. As a writer, I need a firm grip on this subject on it’s slippery.

3) The more I study anything, the more complex the subject becomes. This translates to one of life’s basic frustrations–the more I learn the less I know. People fascinate me and baffle me. Real life people are inconsistent. Whereas, fictional people need strong motivation to behave out of character because fiction has to make more sense than real life.

4) Writing for publication has lots of levels to it. I don’t know everything about this business (see number one above). But, I have learned a few things. Success has many factors but there are baseline requirements. Clean manuscripts, correctly spelled, punctuated, and formatted are job one.

By the time a writer gets to the level where professional editors are cheerfully catching her mundane errors, she won’t need them. Editor’s have other jobs.

5) To break into mass market publishing one needs a good agent. Good agents are busy working for established authors. Therefore a high powered agent is difficult for an unknown to acquire. Obviously, there are exceptions–every single author on the New York Times best seller list started out as a newbie.

6) Time and money are trade off commodities. Money isn’t easy to make, but time can’t be made at all. Everyone gets the same twenty-four hours each day.

Feel free to share your frustrations.

Fan Girl Friday

November 21, 2008 Fan Girl Friday

Like all the writers I know, I’m an enthusiastic reader.  Emma Holly is one of those rare writers whose voice works for me no matter what she’s writing.  Her erotica is as good as it gets.  Currently, I’m reading The Demon’s Daughter, the first of her paranormal romances, a new series from Berkley.  And I’m loving it. Here’s the link to read more about the book.

For me Emma Holly is a sure thing–who’s on your list of autobuy authors?